As some of you already know, for the last four years of our lives, Kieran and I have been struggling to have another child. I have some fertility issues and am unable to conceive naturally. We have tried various invasive fertility treatments and I have had surgeries to try and correct the problems, but unfortunately we have been unsuccessful in all of our attempts. We had always known how special our Connor was, but recently we came to learn what a miracle he truly is.
For many years, I was very angry with the cards God had dealt me. I couldn't understand why we couldn't have more children when there were women out there everyday who didn't want or necessarily deserve the babies that they had. I felt as if I was a failure as a woman. I became very jealous of expectant mothers and felt as if every pregnant woman out there was a threat against me personally. I isolated myself from my pregnant friends and am truly embarrassed to say that I acted like a jealous child.
Kieran and I explored adoption but decided that it wasn't necessarily what was right for our family. We explored more drastic infertility treatments as well, but came to the conclusion that being devout Catholics, we didn't feel like we could put ourselves in a situation where we might have to compromise our beliefs or values.
Kieran handled the news of our infertility much better than I did. Maybe it was the guilt and failure I felt about my body being the cause of our struggles, or maybe it was my deep desire to have a large family, but whatever the reason I fell into a deep depression. I was sad that I wasn't able to give Connor a sibling and hoped that Kieran and I would be enough for him. I lost myself in my own despair and searched for answers and reasons as to why. I constantly prayed that the Lord would bless us with another child but never trusted that He had a greater plan for our lives.
Last spring, I found myself faced with the decision of whether or not I could endure another round of infertility treatments . One Sunday, I was in mass and listening to my favorite priest speak about how we must accept the circumstances we are given and have faith in God's plan. I can't remember the exact words that Father George spoke, but they hit me so deeply that I felt myself asking God "Why have you forsaken me?" At the exact moment I asked God the question, I felt this overwhelming sense that God had wrapped His arms around me and was telling me that everything was going to be okay. I wept very openly in church (to my husband's great confusion) and came to the realization that God had answered my prayers, just not in the way I had planned. He had given me the most beautiful son, an amazingly adoring husband, a family that truly loves and supports me and a job that I absolutely love. On our drive home from church, I told Kieran that I felt God and that He had touched my heart and told me that I needed to give my struggles up to Him and just focus on all the blessings I did have in my life and that I needed to stop focusing on what wasn't. In my sadness I had lost sight of who I was and what I believed in and I had pulled away from the Lord because He hadn't answered my prayer in the way that I wanted.
In order to find peace in myself and my life, I had to let go of the preconceived plans I had made for our lives. I had always pictured myself covered in children and grandchildren and I literally had to grieve for the death of my hopes and dreams. It was hard to give up control to the Lord, but once I did, I found an inner peace and happiness I can't even begin to describe. I have actually learned to be thankful for this struggle in that I have grown so much as a Christian. I have learned that it is only through trials that one's faith is tested and by giving up my wants and needs, I can grow in God's love.
Now I am not going to lie and say that if I got pregnant naturally, we wouldn't be through the roof excited, but we are trusting that God has bigger plans for us. Maybe there is some greater reason as to why we were only able to have one....I am just trusting that one day I will understand it all.
Don't get me wrong, I still have those days when I want to scream at anyone that dares to ask me when I am going to have another. I have learned that almost everyone has an opinion about what Kieran and I should do next...( i.e. they recommend taking a vacation, going on specific diets, they tell me I should see their amazing infertility Dr. and my favorite and most popular remedy for my infertility is that they always tell us "just to relax." The people that recommend relaxation as therapy I know have never been humiliated by the sterile treatments of infertility doctors because if they had, they would know that you can't just relax when hyped up on hormones or having to parade and discuss your sex life in front of a whole medical team of doctors and nurses). In finding peace in myself though, I have learned how to take all their advice in, bite my tongue and to give it to God. I know that these people are only trying to help and it makes them feel better to offer an anecdote for my problem...so there is no need for me to feel threatened or angered by their suggestions. I just need to follow my own heart and know that the decisions I have made are what is right for me and my family and that God has special plans for me.
Through this struggle I have learned a lot about myself (my weaknesses and my strengths) my marriage, and my friendships. I had always known I married an amazingly gentle and patient man but I learned just how selfless he is and how unconditional his love for Connor and myself is. I learned who my real friends are when they demonstrated to me that they were there for me to listen, hold my hand and to just support me by being patient. I learned that some friendships weren't forever friendships and that our relationships were more superficial. I learned to be empathetic to other women who were struggling with the same thing and would never have any children of their own. The most important thing that I learned though is how blessed I truly AM. I am so fortunate to have been able to carry my Connor. He is a MIRACLE. God's miracle and I cherish the memory of my pregnancy and his delivery everyday. He is the most perfect thing I have ever done in my life and God has taught me to appreciate that perfection.
Through this struggle I have learned a lot about myself (my weaknesses and my strengths) my marriage, and my friendships. I had always known I married an amazingly gentle and patient man but I learned just how selfless he is and how unconditional his love for Connor and myself is. I learned who my real friends are when they demonstrated to me that they were there for me to listen, hold my hand and to just support me by being patient. I learned that some friendships weren't forever friendships and that our relationships were more superficial. I learned to be empathetic to other women who were struggling with the same thing and would never have any children of their own. The most important thing that I learned though is how blessed I truly AM. I am so fortunate to have been able to carry my Connor. He is a MIRACLE. God's miracle and I cherish the memory of my pregnancy and his delivery everyday. He is the most perfect thing I have ever done in my life and God has taught me to appreciate that perfection.
No comments:
Post a Comment