Biting My Tongue...

I grew up in a conservative small town in a conservative Catholic family, went to a conservative Catholic school and a conservative Baptist college and not to mention, I married a conservative Catholic man...get the picture? I ask you then, how did I end up living in liberal Long Beach? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Long Beach and the people who live here. I love that my son is growing up exposed to so many different cultures, religions and lifestyles but sometimes, I find my "conservative self" to be too intimidated by my liberal minded peers, to speak my mind.

Growing up, I always spoke my mind. I opened my big mouth on so many occasions that I often look back and cringe at the poorly thought out things that I said. But the point is, I said what I thought and felt back then. Maybe it was a lack of maturity that allowed me to be so vocal about my ideas and opinions or the fact that I was living in a conservative bubble, but whatever it was, I find myself frustrated as a grown-up with how much I filter everything I say. I constantly worry about upsetting anyone with my difference of opinion. Case in point, I have rewritten this post about 20 times trying to find the most effective way to express my point here without offending anyone at all.

All of this makes me wonder? Do I not have enough faith in my liberal-minded friends that they will still accept and love me regardless of my conservative ideals? I accept them and love them even though I don't agree with everything they believe, why would they be any different?

This is something I have been struggling with for awhile. I am not just talking politics here. While I am a registered Republican, I vote for the candidate or policy I believe in and many times, (don't tell my Mom) I have voted with the Democrats. My frustration with my inability to express myself is more so based on the fact that I find myself just nodding my head in agreement to everything everyone else says, so as to not "ruffle any feathers." I feel myself fading into the background sometimes and anyone who knows me well....knows that is not how this "drama mama" likes to roll.

Growing up, I was part of a mother/daughter charity organization that emphasized etiquette. I have fond memories of NCL "mock teas" and of learning how to correctly maneuver myself through a receiving line. While I can't say that I have ever had to use my receiving line skills out in the real world or tap into my knowledge on how to correctly address an invitation to a tea, I have on several occasions, learned how to be politely diplomatic and avoid confrontation. But lately, I find myself wondering, "Am I too polite? Do I come across as fake or robotic?" This is my greatest fear because one of the few traits I have always liked about myself is how passionate I am about the people in my life and the things that I do. Sometimes this passion can be confused as "drama" but nonetheless, it is the real and "raw" me.

So my solution....to start expressing my real and "conservative self" (this blog is part of the process.) I want to share my ideas and experiences with my friends and family so that they know the real me, in all my "conservativeness" (pretty sure I just made up that word but it's my blog so who cares! =)) Hope you enjoy getting to know me!

(I wanted to write "Hope I don't offend you along the way" but am trying to refrain, so I'll just put it in parentheses.)